3. Understand your children: How to have a healthy Child and Parent relationship?

A parent is someone who is responsible for the intricacies of raising a child and not exclusively for a biological relationship. It is said that being a parent is one of the most powerful experiences of a person’s life. In addition to the power that comes with it, it can be tricky too, like a double-edged sword.

During childhood, a child’s learning can be so powerful that it has a long-term impact on them into adulthood and beyond. Because the child’s experiences with the primary caregivers (most often his/her parents) determine how the child views the world and what he/she expects from it. This provides a framework for functioning in a child’s life. So, everybody wants this framework to be pleasant in their child’s life.

This article will help to understand and explore the ways of making the relationship between parent and child as healthy as possible.

Parenting or child rearing promotes and supports the physical, emotional, social and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood.

Socializing your children to the values and expectations of your culture is one of the major roles of parenting.

Thus, before starting, let us discuss different types of parenting. This helps us to understand how to have a healthy Child and Parent relationship.

Different types of parenting style

1. Authoritarian: This type of parenting is an extremely strict parenting style. In this parenting style, parents require their children to obey their commands without allowing them to negotiate. As an authoritarian parent, you focus more on obedience, discipline, control rather than nurturing your child. Mistakes tend to be punished more harshly and when feedback does occur, it’s often negative.

           Characteristics of Authoritarian parents:

• You default to shaming instead of positive reinforcement: If you find yourself causing feelings of shame to compel your children to follow rules, you might be practising authoritarian parenting. It’s important to know that shaming may lead to children having a bad attitude towards you. It also weakens the bond between you and a child, as they may want to avoid spending time with you.
• You show no feelings or empathy: An authoritarian parent doesn’t show feelings for their kids. If you make no effort to entertain or understand your child’s emotions, it communicates insensitivity and lack of concern. Being such a parent will cause your children to emulate such behaviour, treating others without regard for how they feel.
• You have trust issues: Children brought up by authoritarian parents don’t have the freedom to show that they can display good behaviour. When you are always watching a child ensure they don’t make mistakes, you limit them from making decisions on their own. As a result, your child fails to face natural consequences for their choices which serve as valuable life lessons.

           Effects of Authoritarian Parenting on a child:

• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty in social situations due to a lack of social abilities
• Children may display aggressive behaviour outside the home
• They cannot accept failure.
• Your child conforms easily yet also suffers from anxiety. They often end up angry, frustrated and loud.

2. Authoritative: Authoritative parenting is a parenting style characterized by high responsiveness and high demands. Encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions. Extensive verbal gives and take is allowed, with parents being warm and nurturing. (“You know you should not have done that. Let’s talk about how you can handle the situation better next time”)

          Characteristics of Authoritative parents:

• Listen to the children.
• They are warm, attuned and nurturing.
• Reason with children instead of demanding blind obedience.
• Set clear limits on behaviour.
• Earn, not demand, children’s respect.

         Effects of Authoritative Parenting on a child:

• Achieve higher academic success
• Engage more in school activities.
• Develop good self-esteem
• Have better mental health — less depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, delinquency, alcohol, and drug use.
• Interact with peers using competent social skills​
• Exhibit less violent tendencies.

3. Permissive parenting: Permissive parenting is a type of parenting style characterized by low demands with high responsiveness. Permissive parents tend to be very loving, yet provide few guidelines and rules. These parents do not expect mature behaviour from their children and often seem more like a friend than parental figures. Instead of hovering over their children’s every move, permissive parents are incredibly lax and rarely make or enforce any type of rules or structure. Their motto is often simply that “kids will be kids.” While they are usually warm and loving, they make little or no attempt to control or discipline their kids. Because there are few rules, expectations, and demands, children raised by permissive parents tend to struggle with self-regulation and self-control.

          Characteristics of Permissive parents:

• Are usually very nurturing and loving towards their kids
• Have few rules or standards of behaviour, any rules they do have are inconsistent
• Often seem more like a friend, rather than a parent
• Emphasize their children’s freedom rather than responsibility
• Ask their children’s opinions on major decisions

         Effects of Permissive parenting on their child:

• Display low achievement in many areas
• Since their parents do not set or enforce any type of rules or guidelines, these kids struggle to learn good problem-solving and decision-making skills.
• Maybe more prone to delinquency and substance use
• Show more aggression and less emotional understanding
• Because of the lack of structure and rules in the home, these kids never learn limits. This might lead to watching too much television, playing too many computer games, and eating too much. These children never learn to limit their screen time or eating habits, which can lead to unhealthy habits and obesity.
• Because permissive parenting involves a lack of demands and expectations, children raised by parents with this style tend to grow up without a strong sense of self-discipline. They may be more unruly in school due to the lack of boundaries in the home and maybe less academically motivated than many of their peers.

Research has shown that authoritative parenting is the most effective parenting style for raising psychologically, emotionally, and socially competent and responsible children. We all want our children to obey us and meet our expectations. That’s nice, right? Yet, let us think deeper about it.

If we constantly tell a child what needs to be done all the time,

• Will he be able to grow logically, emotionally, or in any other way?
• Can they negotiate such scenarios?
• Do you think they will be able to function well as adults as a result?

Here is how it looks from this perspective. We teach our children obedience as the best way to behave. However, when we adopt either extreme of a parenting style, we do not teach them assertiveness. A child, when grown up, and goes to work feels like the harshness of authority is somehow going to make him or her a victim of it because he/she has learned that growing up! That’s because he’s never learned another way! As a result, he struggles with anxiety.

When he feels disrespected or burdened, he will step up, leading to potentially dangerous burnouts. They also have difficulty in decision making and problem-solving.

Do we want our children to grow up like this?

This is a common story and we should be aware of it. In most cases, we end up unconsciously behaving the same way that our parents did as children.

Does that mean they were always right?

Regardless of the age of the child, parenting is a dynamic and constantly evolving process, and parenting techniques have to change with the age of the child, as well as with the age of parents!

So, what next? There are some things to build a good relationship between your child and you.

1. Making mistakes is normal: When we expect the child to understand he has made a mistake and must apologize, we should also consider whether we have shown the child that behaviour. We should treat the child with dignity and respect while you set rules with him about the consequences he would face if repeated but not in a threatening way (giving threat loses meaning at some point). Also normalize mistakes for the child, that everybody makes mistakes and it is ok to be wrong sometimes. This sets the stage for how the child treats himself when he makes mistakes later on in life.
2. Be the role models: The first teacher of the child is their parents. The child watches our behaviours and learns from us. If we are acting up when we are going through times of stress or any difficulty, the child is watching. So in his world, it becomes normal behaviour. And with that, if we expect the child not to do the same, there’s very little chance that would happen.
3. Overprotecting your child can be dangerous: It is completely understandable that we would want to protect our children. But if the child isn’t taught to fend for himself, then we are responsible for hindering the growth of the child. I realize this sounds harsh, but there is a lot of truth in it.
4. Don’t guilt children if they are not fulfilling expectations: As parents, it is only natural to go into the monologue about how much we do for the child in terms of expenses and everything that is provided. Do we really need this? This could be making you feel either unworthy or rebellious. We must not forget that we do not meet all of the child’s expectations either.
5. Deal with your emotions: Do not use the child as your friend to talk about all of your problems. Especially, the ones with the spouse. It is an extremely unhealthy practice. It leads the child to feel responsible to fix things for you when in reality there’s very little. It also has the risk of making him averse to you.

Are you still confused about how to have a healthy child and parent relationship?

For consultation and appointments:

Dr. Kenison Shrestha, Psychiatrist – Mental Health Clinic

Dr. Kenison Shrestha, Psychiatrist – Mental Health Clinic